I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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