she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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