Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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