Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
