Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
