did i walk over a car last night?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
