i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
