Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
