i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
