Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Houston, we have a squirter
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
