We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
And then my night got REAL pukey
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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