woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
