I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
