Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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