Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
