Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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