The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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