I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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