so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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