I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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