If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
