There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
