These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
