I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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