i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
