I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
only you would photoshop your dick
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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