Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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