you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
