He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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