Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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