I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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