Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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