TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
time to smoke my breakfast
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
