trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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