not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
