Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I wear drunk well.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
