Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
