last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
