wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
