I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
