just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
