Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
3 2 1 whiskey
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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