More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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