I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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