My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
