Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
