I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
