He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
