life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
