I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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